My life as an amateur. Part 48.

The dog doesn’t need to read or write something every day. He is waiting for the next moment, or maybe waiting is not the right word for this condition. He doesn’t seems to want any moment at all at the moment, wiped out by the sun, his brains are cooking and his legs are giving in. Just like me, the first half hour of my morning run, even without the sun. But the good news is that after the first half hour I am the wholiest person on earth. We were driving in avery hot car to a second hand shop, on the way we saw ‘koereigers’ ( I have to look that up) . I bought a fantastic outfit for very cold weather. At this moment I bought three times more clothes than I brought in my medium purple The North Face backpack. I hope it will all fit in the car.

According to Bram Bakker according to The Lancet according to scientific research, serotonine has nothing to do with depression, well, it is not proved that there is a connection. So…. That’s Why None Of The Antidepressants Ever Worked On Me.

And now something completely different. I am happy that the coach of the Dutch soccer team is sacked and I ate fried potatoes almost every day, when I was little because I liked it and my parents wanted me to be without hunger. Nothing strange about that I suppose, but I wasn’t getting any smaller, if I make myself clear. Today we saw a beaver and he saw us, so he quickly went to the ditch. We also heard European Bee Eaters and a very rare pigeon. I have to look the name up. It is breeding. 

I like to put words one after another, without instanteneous meaning. Unfortunately there is always seeping some of it in and I feel nauseated and want to delete everything. Untrue dramatic. Stop. The platitudes of the unthoughtful. That ‘s why I train myself in the not-thinking. European Turtle Dove just need to breed. Breed. Breed. Breed. It ‘s true.

My life as an amateur. Part 47.

 Sometimes I want to finish something when it is not ready yet to be finished. Stop.

We was walking, or hiking as we see ourselves as athletes, far too far this afternoon, with more than 30 degrees and lots of paths in the open field, some paths were not paths anymore and some had become rivers. In the morning I bought a pair of blue trousers designed for working on a farm and a faded red t-shirt from American Apparel with a small hole in it. I like clothes to be second hand, cheap and nice. I like to be dressed like a boy. Please don’t tell anyone. My father thought that it was not such a good idea so on the wedding anniversary of my grandparents I was put in a long skirt and a pretty blouse.

There was this place in Spain called Benidorm, all the tourists thought they were kings. A film was being shot, a great Bassie and Adriaan film, and me and my little sister were figurants, my sister singing a Bassie and Adriaan song with other children, me biting my nails in the swimming pool. The film is called ‘Bassie en Adriaan in Spanje’. These holidays were quite similar to exam trips, sun bathing and baking in the daytime, drinking in the evening. I like abstract landscapes. And bus stops. And insect hotels.

I like to be as slow as I want to be. Please tell, anyone.

Only today I learned what an anomaly is. I wanted to tell something about a nice lady I met today but I totally forgot what it was that was so nice. The boy at the cassiere in the supermarket was also nice, he helped me in English by telling me that the peaches were to be weighed by him. He was a great help. I like it the best when people are nice. It is a great start in the middle of the afternoon.

My life as an amateur. Part 46.

 In his violin case he carried a cow foot, a breaking stick made of iron. He grew up in Australia with foster parents. He and his sister were not so lucky. His foster father was a professional violin player and abusive. We are sitting in front of the house, there are hundreds of wasps in the ivy. They are on holiday.

I don’t know anything and I don’t know what to write. I keep thinking, what’s upcoming and maybe nice but it should be now instead. I do not mean this in a sense of mindfulness or zen something something, although it would come in handy sometimes very often. To be mindful I mean. I can’t think of anything nice anyway, better stop trying and take a long good look at the landscape.

I am reading Gerbrand Bakker as you might have guessed,’Knecht, alleen’. He is very depressed, I like how he writes about this. It helps me try to do nothing.

Today we are going to visit a source where women came together, a very very very long time ago, far before there were christians. It might be a nice place for Kevin, since he had an alter ego, Tante Gerritje, with lots of bloody red lipstick. I wonder if all the people who knew him will know by now that he passed away, last Februari.

I am sitting here in a garden, lovely biting one nail. When I was little all my nails were bitten. All the photographs with me on them had a ‘me’  biting my nails. My parents didn’t like it, but at least I wasn't drinking sangria at the age of eleven.

Kevin was suffering from KAD, according to his own words, the K standing for Korsakoff. The violin from the case had been flung to an Australian wall. A very very long time ago.

My life as an amateur. Part 45.

 I am in the midst of a group of flying friends, at least they act as if they are my friends, so close as they are. I hit them on the head. One is staying, feasting on a grape that is on his way to my mouth. Welcome.

I do not like games, or, other people do not like to play with me, because one I fall asleep, second I don’t care if I lose or win, and third I go do something else on the side, like reading or completing a sudoku. Just a moment ago I finished a four star sudoku, it was so easy I must be a champion. I need to tell you about the father of our children. He has big hands and he is good at anything you can think of.

Two days ago I found a very beautiful coat rack made of chrome and wood, blocks painted white. It was a little bit wobbly so I very much hoped that I could repair it. And of course I could. He happened to have a spot on one of his lungs. They found out when he went to complain about his declining level of energy. He was very emotional when he told us but not afraid of dying. Today while we were driving to our holiday destination he sent us a message that the spot was miraculously gone, after only four days. He can do anything, hitting death on its spotless head.

The coat rack is from a Zero Design era. I also need to tell you about Kevin, I still have his violin case.

My life as an amateur. Part 44.

 He left his coat in the train. She said. It is 10 a.m. and I want to leave early in case there will be an encounter of some sorts on my way to work.

Last month I found the gazoline tank of a motorcycle, with some nice ins and outs, ideal to hang a piece of linen with oilpaint. Probably white, white is my favourite colour this days, and brown is winning some terrain too.

My colleague is leaving and I am not happy about it. I am planning to give him two books and two poems. I am afraid that the poems won’t be any good. The books are the following: a catalog from Anselm Kiefer, accompanying his exhibition in the Stedelijk Museum sometime last century, and a gift from all of the bookshops in the Netherlands, Bertus Aafjes’ Een lampion voor een blinde’, 1973. He is going to work as a teacher at a school for blind children.

My sister-in-law was reading the first three parts of My life as an amateur, she liked the mosquito. I had forgotten about the mosquito, so I will take care of it.

Yesterday I saw an elderly couple in the park. Of course there were more elderly couples, amongst young, couples in the park but this one was special. The lady was riding a bike and her husband ( I don’t know for sure but it sounds sweet, sometimes I like something sweet ) held a white cord with some red patches on it adjusted to the back carrier of the bike. The man was holding this cord and was running behind his lady on the bike. He was blind. They went so fast I was too late to film it.