My life as an amateur. Part 117.

 This morning I heard some words that made my brain tingle. 

Dansend binnen

Wee je gebeente 

when you write things there where people can read them and they tell you afterwards what you are up to. I have an idea for a performance video of a certain length: walking attentively through Japan smiling. I am not quite sure if it has to be recorded. Maybe when I make a friend I can ask this person to film me from a decent distance. I could cry too, or scream, or hang my head down down down. I could act very very enthousiast when seeing something great, beautiful or astonishing. In this way I want to investigate if in the Japanese or society showing one's emotions ( in public) is acceptable. Is it considered a weakness or slowly slowly a necessity. Beforehand, I want to study the Japanese culture of emotions. I might make a map so I know where to go.

But first I need to write a few parts of  ‘My life as an amateur’ so the previous one will be further down the line. It’s a very personal and vulnerable one. People might ask what I would like to change about myself or other things so it won’t be private anymore. That’s why I like Japanese people most of the time. They are very private.

My life as an amateur. Part 116.

I heard a rare bird this morning hop hop. And filmed myself declining the stairs with an antique children’s seat. I am not in the best of moods and I don’t think I am to blame for that. We walked more than nine kilometers this afternoon, a hilly walk with sandy tracks. My favorite but it doesn’t work out for my brain. The thought to end this helps a little bit. I am going to perform with a red line. We went to a market for a change. We bought biological bananas. Next to the market was a little thrift store situated. I remembered the store from two years ago, the same lady in it being friendly without a smile and a horrible smell from the mouth. I bought a ragged flannel shirt and green workwear trousers. The trousers I used in a performance video carrying a green and white striped retro beach chair while walking into a public toilet.

Last night we had dinner at the local pizzeria and the only restaurant in the neighbourhood. I ordered a salad which came with a heap of ice cream on top. It tasted good combined with the raw ham.

Yesterday was my birthday. Our daughter made me a banana chocolate cake and in the evening a Japanese set meal. It was terrific. I bought tons of books on gender issues and Japanese language and literature. My partner wrapped them in. I feel safer now, knowing I have these books to dive in. I was wearing the Polo Ralph Lauren boxershorts visible above my trousers. A present to myself. I need to write more and better. I am very depressed. Sorry to say so. I don’t like people who tell me frequently that they are depressed. I ordered another Polo Ralph Lauren boxershort, second hand.